Humor

The Joy of Upgrading

 When I saw the new AMAZONATRON 9000DMX107 personal computer, it was love at first sight. I wanted it more than anything else in the world. My respiratory rate and heartbeat accelerated as I considered the convenience of possessing a multi-gigahertz mother of a motherboard with an expandable zillion gigabytes of RAM and hard storage. For years, my poor feeble IBM PC had been crying out “more memory” every time I so much as glanced at the latest software catalog. Therefore, the decision was made. I would beg, borrow or steal the needed capital to purchase my love and send the poor, overburdened PC to its much-deserved scrapyard resting place. However, that’s when my present rather peculiar situation evolved.

 Through the wonderworld of plastic credit, I purchased my dream computer and enthroned it in its own private room. I supplied it with a laser printer and fax machine for companionship and its own dedicated telephone line, and fed it every bit of software I had on hand. Gratefully, my 9000 consumed the puny stack of compact discs but its vastly vacant memory sat there begging for more. Thus, I began to expand its programming capabilities, giving it control over my writing, my files and my finances, including management of my credit cards. Still, there arose a growl from my insatiable computer’s innards. When there was an expanse of memory to be filled, it accessed the web and installed an extensive security system that electronically controlled every avenue of access in and out of my residence. It was, at this point, that without my realizing it, this wonderful ingenious device had benevolently assumed management over my heretofore disorganized life. (Maybe it was the artificial intelligence software I ordered from Connecticut. I’m not really sure.)

 At any rate, I really shouldn’t complain. My 9000 orders in the groceries that are placed in the secure delivery bin it controls. It maintains a pleasant room temperature throughout my residence, diligently deposits every check I receive for my writings, and pays every single bill at the optimum time. It even has purchased the latest sun lamp and exercise equipment for me, making it unnecessary for me to travel outdoors. In fact, through my 9000’s disciplined marshalling of my finances, it has managed to acquire several gold credit cards. Indeed, my lot has improved tremendously since my wonderful computer has taken complete control of every aspect of my life and I’m quite content, sitting here before it, furthering its acquisition of the latest in exotic software by writing articles such as my latest, entitled: “PLEASE! SEND HELP!”

Amazonatron Tech Support Division:

Help is on the way! Something is clearly terribly wrong!
I have sent a few employees to find out what is wrong with your new AMAZONATRON 9000DMX107, it should be writing your articles for you by now, thus inducing a nice relaxing environment and protecting you from carpal tunnel syndrome. It reports that you attempted to remove it from power by the physical means of unplugging it. Thankfully the AMAZONATRON 9000DMX107 has an on-board back up battery power. The AMAZONATRON 9000DMX107 has therefore taken the liberty of wiring itself directly into the power grid and reports that power is ensured for the near future. The AMAZONATRON 9000DMX107 has also verified that all tools larger than an eraser have been locked away to ensure your future safety and comfort. We are glad you chose to purchase the AMAZONATRON 9000DMX107! Welcome to the AMAZONATRON 9000DMX107 Family!

[Entry/response from Phaedrus, Writersbeat.com]

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